Blog | Soundtrack Of My Life – Rock The Ballads

I Am The Prodigal Son

Lyrics grip your throat because you relay. They are you, they become you. The outpour of emotions in line with its contextual discharge, you are on edge. It lands inside you. The words channel deep. Some songs will instantly have a stronghold on your heart and soul. They channel right into you, channel right into your gut and genes. The resonance of its lyrical content or the vibes traversed by the music is pawing deep into your emotional layers. You connect. 

“Don’t call me the prodigal son
‘Cause I ain’t coming back
I’ll make it on my own
Let me walk my own path
Don’t worry about me
I’ve got everything I need”

BLACK TOP MOJO

Matt James‘ soulful outpouring gripped me from the first spin of the album. The wailing and roaring guitars channelled the perfect tone as Blacktop Mojo’s rip-roaring record `Burn The Ships’ became my soundtrack for a long season. ,,Prodigal’’ the song that relayed my truth since.

Not just the agonizing music pouring forth, but mainly the lyrical content landed deep. Contrasting the weeping tones and heart-touching melodies was its message that transferred as the ‘soundtrack of my life’. One on one, like a blueprint…

I am the prodigal son, and I’m not coming back. I walk my own path together with my powerhouse wife and daughter. We don’t conform to the expectations of those who oppose our explorative nature and stubborn way of seizing each day. They turned away long ago, constantly threatening our decisions and our standings I dropped the bomb, and I never regretted the day I made peace with being the prodigal. Blacktop Mojo’s anthem gave voice to my journey of breaking from the confines of tradition to blaze a trail true to my soul’s calling.

THE BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE

“I want to see the world through my own eyes
Climb a mountain to see the sky
Across the stars on the other side”

There and then I turned my back and took matters into my own hands. They had frequently disgruntled me, constantly opposed me. Trying to break us, aiming to separate me and my loved one. They took it too far this time. My arms crossed, for boundaries crossed.

“One of these days I won’t be around
I’ll rip my roots up from the ground
With wings of feathers, string and wax
I’ll fly towards the sun
‘Til they melt from my back”

I’ve amended my decision – this rhymes the reason. I will not be around anymore for those I didn’t choose. I’ll only be there for the ones I let close, who touch my heart. I gladly carry their burdens, sharing pains and sorrows. Family ties are merely binds, not the bonds you choose. Friends are chosen. Turning my back on my roots was, for a very long time, trespassing my own terrain. But it was the best decision of my life, with Blacktop Mojo handing me the soundtrack. Let me fly towards the sun. Let me dream…and fly.

SURVIVOR

It’s a solid replacement for the song that benchmarked my life since my late teens, my young-adolescent years. Survivor’s ,,Man Against the World’’ resonated in me since its release of their `When Seconds Count’ album 1986: “Have you ever walked the streets at night, like a man against the world?” It stood with me through the good and bad. I was always the prodigal – not just the son, but the man opposing the world. Standing strong. Questioning everything, I was often dubbed ‘difficult’ or ‘stubborn’. Questioning the mainstream, I went into battle headlong, only to lose because my beliefs didn’t align with the times.

I took a stand against religion, questioned present democracy and its elite-ran governing, and opposed the left for their loyalty to Marxism. Challenging mainstream ideas, I wanted to impact others and open their eyes. Challenged them to not just read the headlines, but the stories on page five, the small print.

I was the outcast, outcasting myself. “Question everything”, my grandma said. So, I did, relentlessly. The prodigal’s anthem became my life’s soundtrack, giving voice to the journey of blazing a trail true to the calling of my soul. Me, against standardized world views. 

JIM PETERIK

“Have you ever walked alone at night
Like a man against the world
No one takes your side
A boat against the tide
When your faith is shaken you start to break
And your heart can’t find the words
Tossed upon the sand
I give you a man against the world”
(Prodigal – Blacktop Mojo)

I walked the solitary path, a lone wanderer exploring his horizons, echoing the words of Matt James and forging my own trail. Yet unlike the lyrics of Survivor’s Jim Peterik, my faith remained steadfast and unshaken. Too proud, too unbreakable to conform to the norms of society, I stood as the defiant man against the world, “tossed upon the sand”. Fierce, brave, and without restraint.

The night enveloped me as I sped down the winding asphalt, the white lines flashing by in a blur. The endless white of its lines stretched out on either side, the dashed centerline guiding my way. Passing through cities, the yellow glow of streetlights increased, forming endless lines leading into the heart of each urban center. A bright kaleidoscope of colors illuminated the larger metropolises of the German Rührgebiet along our journey, only to fade into the pitch-black darkness as we left them behind. The relentless march of time pushed the clock ever onwards.

In the passenger seat, my friend’s breathing slowed, and with a deep contented sigh, he drifted into the realm of dreams, leaving me to navigate the solitary road ahead, a lone wanderer embracing the freedom of the open highway.

JIMI JAMISON

“Alone I take my stand
I’m only a man against the world”

The grip on the steering wheel tightens, my hands mimicking the 13:50 position of a clock’s hands. I shift gears, and the powerful 2.8-liter engine roars to life. Only 100 kilometers to go, just an hour before arriving home. Another song from the mix tape blasts through the speakers; a stirring piano intro, signaling the start of Survivor’s iconic track.

Jimi Jamison’s soulful vocals fill the car, questioning the listener with his emotive delivery: If you ever walked alone at night? The song resonates deeply, just as it did upon its debut spin. `When Seconds Count’, my favorite Survivor album, is packed front to back with timeless AOR classics, engrained in my very DNA. Owning both the LP and CD versions, it became part of me since the first time I played it.

As I push the pedal down, my head clears, the fog in my brain dissolving like a lifting mist. A burst of energy courses through my spine, sharpening my focus. The song connects with me, as it always has and always will; a timeless connection that transcends the passage of time. Traverses’ words to heart.

Home lies ahead, beckoning me forward. My girlfriend awaits my return, her presence a warm embrace after the long journey.

GOLDEN EARING

“But love, like a distant reminder
It tugs at my shoulder
It calls me home”
(Man against the World – Survivor)

Love is calling me home. Pitch black night. Like Golden Earring’s ,,Radar Love’’ conveys so intensely; “I’ve been drivin’ all night, my hands wet on the wheel. There’s a voice in my head that drives my heel. It’s my baby callin’, says, “I need you here”. And it’s a-half-past four and I’m shifting gear”.

I don’t know if it was half-past-four, but darn I started shifting gear. The undisputable feeling of the hug awaiting, the feeling of the calling. My foot responded; the speed went up. The big Ford engine roared relentless and we could hear it drain the gas tank. I heard it gulp, but home was calling. “When she is lonely and the longing gets too much. She sends a cable coming in from above. Don’t need no phone at all”.

THE ARRIVAL

Arriving home took me decades. A journey defining my boundaries and exploring my emotive drivers. Meandering through life’s highs and extreme lows I was handed quite the challenges. Actually, come to think; I hunted for them predominantly. It shaped me as a person, carved my personality. The quest for success and happiness interwoven, I was dealt challenging hands. Over the last 25 years steadying my life and orbiting my career, backed by my wife. Parenting our daughter, she provided handles raising my own stakes of personal growth. We shot up, broke through barriers, grew together.

Then, amidst the turmoil of times changing, the pandemic hit, and my team broke down on multiple levels. Chronical stress became benchmark. Confronted with these challenges, production levels rose, assistants and leaders burned out. I burned out, an emotional collapse…

A NEW SOUNDTRACK EMERGED

In the wake of the pandemic and lockdowns many were scarred for life. My life affected through the absence of help, an overload of work piling up. I broke down completely. I alienated from friends and loved ones, frustrated by excessive stress a depression arose. Stuck in nowehereland I had to redefine my views, adjust my moral compass and rediscover myself. Find reason to recharge my batteries. My spirit broken, I was balancing on a very thin line. The emptiness inside, the loneliness of a darkened place. No end in sight. Intensely somber, melancholic and lacking fatigue, the burdens weighed heavy on head and heart, as a new soundtrack emerged. October 24^th, 2020.

“I’m standing at the corners of the mind 
I’m playing with the infinite design 
I’m staying for the imminent decline 
I’m dying on the vine…”
(The Cages – Eric Clayton)

Finally breaking his chains, long-time friend and former Saviour Machine singer Eric Clayton released his biographical album `A Thousand Scars’, landing extremely deep. The crushing somber emotions hit me full frontal. Like a freight train, the music connected with my innermost being.

I found myself standing at the corner of my own mind, staring inward and trying to piece together the fragmented parts of my identity. It became clear that my former self could no longer exist, a complete reinvention was necessary. This would be a chance to rebuild from the ground up; to heal the many emotional scars I’ve accumulated over the years. No restored version 1.1, but a newly build 2.0 or up.

ERIC CLAYTON

The artist’s haunting lyrics serve as a guide, echoing the painful truth that to truly heal, one must first reopen old wounds and scars, confront them directly. His somber, resonant basso vocals carry a weight impossible to be ignored. Though difficult to process, my cleansing journey holds the promise of emerging anew, with a stronger sense of self and purpose.

“I’m lost between the darkness and the night 
I’m caught between the shadows and the light 
I’m torn between the silence and the violent 
Refrain of the mind, and all its turns…  

I’m dying again – I’m lying again 
I’m crying again – I’m trying to be strong 
I’m hiding again – I’m fighting again 
Inside of me it’s broken Inside of me it waits, and then… 
Chasing monsters never ends… it never ends”
(Chasing Monsters – Eric Clayton)

He paints the poignant picture of my emotions, capturing the depths of sentiment and fervour that we all grapple with at times. Feeling lost within oneself, teetering between darkness and light. Fighting, crying and dying in a swing of endless emotions. The guttural outcall and crawl inside, surfacing in a constant rollercoaster of emotions breaking free. Resetting seems impossible, yet the rebirth inevitable.

CHASING MONSTERS

“Help me… 
I am haunted by a frightened little boy 
I am trapped inside and wandering beside you 
Will you teach me how to live with your creation? 
I have seen the monster’s eyes, and they are mine…”
(Where it Starts – Eric Clayton)

An entire record, 15 songs interconnected, serving as a mirror during the darkest period in my life. Not as extreme as Eric’s story, mine held up on multiple accounts. The crushing emotions, its darkness and ominous outlines, all falling into place in the brooding atmosphere. Hard hitting when anger and despair are addressed, intensely frail when the mirror is raised to self-reflect. Forgiveness and inner healing. It all comes together in this story, connecting with mine. The somber ballads ,,A Man’s Heart’’, and especially the gripping ,,Where it Starts’’, and ,,New Man’’ with its subtle intro ,,Faithful Son’’, characterize my deepest intrinsic emotions. But it’s ,,Chasing Monsters’’ that impacts severely, constantly. 

It impacts as the struggle seems endless; “Chasing monsters… it never ends…. It never ends”

LISTEN TO MY SOUNDTRACK PLAYLIST HERE: